For The Sake Of Our Child
by fando
Summary: It's completely possible to be a secondhand father.
1. 1 AM

_Masamune Saga had a zipper on his mouth._

 _Oda Ritsu had been a bundle of bright, gold trust like fairy dust, and people like that can't keep their mouths shut like they should. Oda had always been rambling, saying "I love you."_

 _Saga had written the book on why trusting others is a bad idea. That's why he'd had the zipper. That's why he hadn't been able to say it back. Even if he'd wanted, he couldn't anymore, not even over the phone."_

 _"Bye, mom."_

 _"Bye, dad."_

 _"Bye, Oda, I lo... I'll see you later."_

 _He hadn't been able to do it._

 _When his mother had handed him that paper back, the one that would have said she'd cared, he'd glanced it over. It registered in his mind, and he had almost screamed; it'd been signed. With her writing. It'd been signed with her writing and that meant that she'd cared, no matter how many hours she'd been absent. No matter how many times she'd disappeared, she cared._

 _"_ _You're actually coming?" he'd said._

 _She'd put in time. For him. She had put in time for him because he'd been her son and they'd been a family. They'd be this three-person, happy family, and happy families always have a happy ending._

 _And then, he'd flipped the paper over. Saga'd felt shit-faced. His throat had suddenly gone dry._

 _"You're not coming?"_

 _He'd stared at his cat, who would never leave him, and then he'd glanced up at his mother's disappearing black, conservative bob cut. His father had slammed the front door on his way out. Saga couldn't have nice things. He couldn't have his parents. And if he couldn't have his parents, he wasn't good enough for Oda. He had a cat._

 _"_ _Do your parents known about your university decision?"_

 _"They don't care."_

* * *

Takano was staying late again.

"Alright, Takano, I'm going home," Onodera sighed. He got up out of his desk chair, closed his laptop, and started to prepare to leave. But he hesitated just outside the door. "When do you think you'll be done with that?"

The bags under Takano's eyes were extremely prominent. He rubbed them; Onodera felt a stab of empathy. But he wouldn't go kissing Takano's shadows, because that wasn't his job. He shouldn't be caring so much, and so he brushed the feelings away. "I can't fucking tell at this rate." Then Takano looked up, hopeful. "Why? Are you saying you're gonna miss me?"

" _Of course not!_ Rei is the one who wants to know."

Takano blinked, putting the manga manuscript down. He narrowed his eyes in thought. "You're taking care of him, eh, over at your place..." He chewed on his pencil and raised his eyebrows. Onodera glared at him, waiting for him to finish the sentence, but Takano wasn't committing to even that.

"You..." Onodera sighed. "We need to talk about this, at some point."

Takano let a moment pass. He thrummed some stupid rhythm out on the edge of his desk, and then he laughed. "I was wondering when you'd get tired of babysitting. Well, I'll need to find a new babysitter, then, since I'm swamped with work all the damn time."

"Sure you are..." Onodera looked away, rolling his eyes. "You know, you can act like you're busy all the time all you want, but we all know it's just because you're afraid of being a bad parent."

Onodera hadn't meant to be so harsh, but he was indignant. This was a give and take. There were unsaid things all over the place and sometimes, Onodera wondered if he cared a little too much. Takano did. He knew just how much Takano cared, and just how badly Takano handled those types of feelings. Takano's eye twitched.

"Well?"

"I... Shut up."

Onodera turned on his heel, but Takano stood up, making Onodera waver. "He'd be yours, too," blurted Takano, standing up. "If you'd just agree to adopt him with me!"

"No! I'm not doing this fantasy thing and making a family with you. We've talked abou-"

"Why not?! You don't even have to admit that you love me. I know you're thing with that." Onodera stared at the wall and Takano didn't try to come over and touch him. "Just stay with me and Rei," he huffed, putting his hands on his hips. His voice was harsh and it bit Onodera's ears.

Quickly, Onodera left.

It wasn't fair. Onodera took the 1 AM train home, taking up a whole bench because no one took the 1 AM train. It was his and Takano's train. Usually. Takano's usual presence wasn't there, and Onodera felt alone. He wasn't ready to take the train alone. He tapped his feet against the floor impatiently until his stop rolled up, and left in a hurry. He might be uncomfortable alone, but Takano was asking too much; it was enough to be as they were.

When he arrived at his apartment, he unlocked the door and slipped off his shoes next to the other, smaller pair. Rei was in the living room, reading, as he always did at 1 AM when he couldn't sleep, and on days like this he never remembered to put his shoes back properly. When Onodera picked them up, he thought, _I need to get him new shoes._

Rei had a habit of building book towers, scattered all over the place, surrounding the couch. Rei pulled at his nose and ran his fingers through his hair as he glared at his book, at the Japanese characters that made little sense to him as a non-native speaker and even littler sense when the characters morphed and flipped themselves over before his eyes. Onodera knew Rei's problem. He frowned. Rei needed to be taken to a doctor and given special tutoring, but Takano didn't know it. Takano didn't know how hard Rei worked to understand Japanese. Takano didn't know about Rei's dyslexia. Takano didn't know about the endless hours Rei put into overcoming what seemed impossible. And even after all this time, Onodera didn't know for whose sake Rei was studying: for himself or for his father. Onodera walked over, weaving through Rei's book towers, and sat down next to him. If he would just confess, he could be Rei's father, too. But that would never, in a million years, happen. Onodera had no reason to confess to anything.

Rei didn't seem to notice Onodera, so he ran his fingers through Rei's hair. "Couldn't sleep again?" he asked, smiling.

"Mmm..." Rei nodded. "Is Dad still at work, Mr. Onodera?"

Mr. Onodera frowned. Mr. Onodera, is it okay if I take a shower... Mr. Onodera, is it okay if I eat now... Mr. Onodera, is it ever okay? He'd been caring for Rei for a month and he had already resolved in his head to buy him new shoes tomorrow, and he was helping him communicate with his father and he was feeding him, brushing his teeth, buying clothes for him, homeschooling him, being a father. How could he still be Mr. Onodera?

What was he going to do?


	2. 2 AM

Chapter Text

 _"You cared about me when they never did, Oda. I love you for that." Saga'd held Oda's hand as he'd slept, deaf to him, deaf to the world and to everything important. Oda had been missing something big._

 _"I love you."_

 _Something huge._

 _"I love you so much."_

 _Little jerk._

Onodera nodded to himself. It was 2 AM. They would have to start going to bed earlier than this. He would get Rei ready for bed, pick out his pajamas, and make him take a shower, then they'd go to sleep and forget this day ever happened.

His phone rang and Rei looked up, raising his eyebrows at Onodera's back pocket. The phone chirped. Rei's ears twitched. Because of the look in his hazel eyes, Onodera let the call go through resolutely, pretending he couldn't hear anything until the tone subsided. Rei pouted.

"Wasn't that Dad's ringtone?" he asked, pointing, just as the phone went off again.

"No, uh, it was-" Onodera looked down. He sighed and picked up the call. "…hello."

"Onodera," said Takano. His voice on the other end was muffled by static. Onodera squinted, trying to hear him properly. "Why didn't you answer the first time? What if I'd been an author?"

"You're not an author though."

"How would you know?"

"I have a special ringtone for you so I know when to ignore the call," grumbled Onodera through gritted teeth.

From the couch, Rei stared. Onodera paced, worrying the hem of his t-shirt in agitation. Rei gulped.

Onodera felt someone next to him and looked down at Rei, who was holding onto his shirt sleeve. It was the sort of thing he'd done to Saga in the past, and the sort of thing Onodera wasn't used to. He didn't know what was going on in Rei's eyes. When Rei gestured for the phone, Onodera handed it to him, even though he wasn't sure if he should. He looked on in jealousy. Rei turned away from Onodera and paced; Onodera sat down. Rei played with the hem of his shirt.

"… yeah, I had a good day…." After a couple minutes, Rei gave the phone back, and Onodera stood up, pressed the phone to his ear, and put his hand on his hip.

"Onodera?"

"Yeah."

Takano asked, "I need you to pick me up from Marukawa. I think I missed the 2 AM train." He was grumbling. Even though he was over the phone, Onodera knew his tone well enough to know how hard it hurt him to ask for help.

"Um..."

Then he grunted, changing to topic. "So Onodera, is Rei getting enough sleep?"

"Why didn't you ask him?" Takano stayed silent at that, so Onodera laughed bitterly. "I know. I know. I wish you'd just admit to it, but whatever you want. I'm putting Rei to bed, and then I'll get you."

"No, I want to see him. Bring him with you."

"No," said Onodera firmly. He blew his bangs out of his eyes, sighing. "He's got to go to bed now."

"Aww," whined Rei. "Do I have to?"

"Yes."

"Seriously?" Takano's voice cut through the line, questioning, high-pitched. "He's my kid, Onodera."

Onodera stayed quiet. He set his lips into a line and signaled, making flapping motions with his hand, for Rei to go to the bedroom. Takano muttered on the line. "Since when did you start giving a shit about what he's up to? Don't give me this shit about babysitting. You know what I mean."

"Um..."

"If you're going to act like his dad, then don't half-ass it. Be his dad. With me," Takano added.

"Huh? Yeah, well…." Onodera gulped. He went to the kitchen, getting himself some water. He knew just where Takano was going with this. "I'm getting Rei new shoes tomorrow."

"I'll come."

"No."

"You know-! Why don't you let us be a family, huh? It's simple."

"It's definitely not!" Onodera got a cup out from the cupboard and shoved it under the faucet.

"It's simple!" Takano repeated. "It's extremely simple, you idiot! God, Onodera, you're so damn stubborn. You're such a little jerk!"


	3. 3 AM

Onodera didn't notice Rei staring at him. Onodera didn't know he was listening to every word, holding his blanket to his chest, his eyes glistening.

"I could say the same for you, you know... If you can't bring yourself to care about Rei enough to have him stay at your place, then don't yell at me about what I'm doing wrong," Onodera muttered. "I know what I'll do about all this. _At one point before they'd broken up, Saga handed Oda a picture of his parents. It was fancy portrait, and that's how Oda found out just how rich Saga's family was. They had so much in common! He wondered if Saga's family did things on the weekends, like go out to movies, like his family did._

 _"_ _You look just like your dad!" Oda had exclaimed. "But like your mom, too."_

 _"…_ _that's the worst possible thing you could have said to me."_

 _"Huh? Why? Saga, are you... crying...?"_

 _Saga had glared at the ground, and then he'd left the room._

"I'll adopt him from you."

"But, Onodera... Ritsu, I. Fine! I can't take care of him!" Onodera froze. "Okay? Are you happy?" Takano was saying over the line. "I need you to help me. I can't do it. I'll turn out just like my dad, okay?..."

There was a silence. A slow, stumbling silence, like the sound of a tree falling. Onodera grabbed the counter edge and squeezed.

"Please." Takano cleared his throat and Onodera's heart sped up. "If you care about him, agree to be his dad with me."

"Wh... why..." Onodera looked at the ground. Then he gripped the phone tighter. "Why don't you just take the 3 AM train!"

"Onodera-"

Onodera didn't know why winning felt like losing. Onodera had been the one to make Takano's pride quiver and fall, and now he was saying it, admitting it. That was great. Not only that, he was desperately begging for Onodera's help. That's what Onodera had wanted. But. Onodera was the one who just couldn't. No matter what he did, he just couldn't. He wanted Takano, he never wanted to be alone, and he wanted Rei as well; he really cared. But he couldn' let Onodera breath. Onodera slammed his water glass on the counter, trying to think of something to say but coming up dry.

"Damnit, Takano." He drank some water.

"Onodera."

"How am I supposed to agree to something like that?"

"Just say yes. It'll all be alright after you say it. Then me, Rei and you can be a happy family, right?"

Onodera choked. He looked furious at himself, and bit his lip hard. "I... don't care. I can't do it. Bye, Takano."

Then, Onodera ended the call. He breathed in slowly through his nose and out through his mouth, closing his eyes. There was nothing funny about this situation. He couldn't do anything about it now. He turned off the faucet. When he turned around, a pair of oval, hazel eyes were staring at him. Rei shifted on his feet, and the corners of his eyes were stained with dried tears as he looked up at Onodera, with his phone and his water and his growing sense of regret.

He shouldn't have said any of that.

He opened his mouth to comment on it, but Rei left the room.


	4. 4 AM

_Masamune Saga stared at his reflection in the turned-off TV._

 _He was like a dried up cracked beach in the middle of nowhere, with no visitors, too much sun, and no paradise in the cool night. The water waves break against the beach. Droplets glint as they scatter like cracked pieces of glass._

 _There's all this room… no one to share with it…. Saga would have shared it with Oda, but he had no way to call out to him across all this empty white nothing._

 _"_ _I want a divorce."_

 _For people who'd always had to take care of things on paper- the paper mattered- Saga's parents had finalized the divorce with a few brisk statements that existed nowhere but in the air. It was legitimate. They meant it. Saga heard the proceedings from his bedroom._

 _He didn't understand._

 _He didn't understand what was wrong. His thoughts felt like sand and his sanity was breaking, but he wasn't aware. He patted his pocket, where his phone was, but remembered that he didn't have Oda's phone number. Didn't matter; he didn't need it. He watched a couple of movies and read some books, until 4 AM. The alarm clock glowed back at his pale face. His parents were still arguing downstairs. Deciding he was thirsty, he went downstairs to get a glass of water and when he got down there, his bare feet cold against the floor, his mother glanced at him. His father was gone._

 _"_ _Why are you up? Go to sleep. You're father and I were just talking," she said, as if she honestly thought he hadn't been able to hear them, and he stared at her blankly._

 _She let her hair loose from its bun. "He's left."_

 _Looking at her and picturing himself as her, with her emotionless eyes, terrified him. He would never have kids. Did his eyes look like that? Did he frown like that? Did his voice sound like that?_

 _It didn't matter. He'd never spawn poor souls to break against walls._

 _She tried to touch him. He flinched away._

 _Slowly, he got a water glass from the cabinet, shuffling through these unsaid words hanging in the air. His skin felt so numb against the glass, and he worried he might accidentally drop it and break it. He touched his dry throat and filled the glass water cup. His fingers, wrapped around it, clenched tight, knuckles white._

 _His mother was watching his back. He should be screaming, shouldn't he? Would Oda say that he should be upset? He did feel upset, sort of._

 _"…_ _Does that also mean….You and Dad don't love each other anymore…."_

 _He said it like a statement, not a question. The truth was written all over the air but no one wanted to say it, even if the two of them knew it. His mother blinked._

 _"_ _We've been over this, Masamune," she sighed. "Your father and I don't have to love each other."_

 _"_ _I guess…. Wait," he said, but she couldn't or wouldn't hear him. She turned around and left the room, leaving her son standing there. He stared at blank space as the faucet made his cup overflow. The water ran down and through his fingers._

 _He opened his mouth. His tongue felt numb even as he made it move. But it seemed like he'd forgotten how to talk. The words were stuck like peanut butter to the base of his throat, like flypaper catching bugs, only the bugs were his thoughts and his thoughts were too grainy and incoherent to say. His arms shook. He covered his mouth, scared of his own self. It had been a while since he'd been hurt like this and now that it was writhing in his chest, yet again, he was scared. He didn't know how to handle it, after all this time._

 _The cup fell from his hand. It shattered in the sink._

 _"…_ _you both don't love me either, huh?!" He suddenly screamed, loudly and with a dark voice. He started to cry._

 _"_ _Masamune!" His mother came running back. He stared at her, his façade broken, and she stared at him back, shocked._

 _He wanted to pull those unsaid words from the atmosphere and scream them at her just as she'd screamed them to his father. This was why parents were there, right? In his life? To listen to him? To comfort him? To be with him? To speak to him? To understand him? To-_

 _To-_

 _To-_

 _To-_

 _As the faucet still ran over the broken glass pieces, Saga sunk to his knees. "To to to to…" he muttered._

 _After spectating this, his mother made an uncomfortable whine, walking back out and going to her room. Her disappearing footsteps were deafening. He looked up. She wasn't there. Didn't matter. She was gone she was gone. His tears fell in straight lines to the floor. They were small, and glinted like pieces of broken glass as they fell against his ivory face and broke against the dirty and smudged tiles._

 _She was gone. They were._

 _When Saga collected his thoughts into a small pile of fragmentation, he recklessly let the water run in the sink and stayed there. He didn't want to be gone He touched his cell phone, and realized that even if he had called out to Oda, he wouldn't answer. He didn't care either; he'd left._

 _Saga's eyes snapped open at this new realization. He whined. He didn't exactly scream, but he made some sort of tortured sound. The water, overflowing from the sink, landed on his head in perfect, straight-lined dripping. He felt, so, damn, cold, so damn cold._

 _He was a lonely, washed up boy, spawned to people who wouldn't grow up._

* * *

They were both- no, all three of them were a little broken. Even Takano, who'd taken an hour to get from the 3 AM train to his apartment complex. 4 AM stars faded into pinks and troubling smog.

Onodera followed Rei, swirling his water in the glass. Rei sat in the front room, holding his arms that were lined with goosebumps together as he cracked open another book. He was disappointed. He felt words like wet sand stick to his throat and dry-swallowed them down. Everything was going wrong.

There was so much room on his own beach, but it was emptying into the salty ocean.

Onodera pushed the book down with his free hand and sat right next to him on the couch.

"Rei, what's wrong?" he coaxed, touching Rei's shoulder. "Tell me."

The book was upside-down and Rei's hazel eyes had gone glassy. "... nothing," he said firmly.

Onodera touched Rei's cheek, and Rei's expression broke like a lightning flash. His brow furrowed and his teeth gritted and his eyes broke blue and wet, and quickly, Onodera reached out. He made Rei warm: Rei pressed his fingers into his eyes.

"You hate dad!" he screamed suddenly. His voice scared Onodera. It reminded him of the image of a strong rock broken to bits against a wall, gravel everywhere, sharp and stingy. "You hate dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, you hate daddy... I want dad..."

The book fell, bouncing off the couch, clattering to the ground. Water spilled on Onodera's arm and Rei's back.

"You- you- you," Rei continued to sob. His tears were all over the place.

You-

You-

You-

"You never hug dad, or kiss dad, or tell dad that you love him! You always give him dirty looks and you hit him and you hurt him! You always tell him to leave! You never stay when he's here! You never like it when he smiles at you! You look like you're mad when he touches you! You never hold hands like mommies and daddies do in the TV's!"

Onodera froze. He didn't have anything to say. It was the truth. The unsaid words now exposed nakedly were what he wanted everyone to believe and he should have been relieved that he'd passed it off, but he was staring at the face if a crying child. It was his fault.

"You know, Rei…." His tone was rusty, like he was forcing rubbery, inflated words out through a too-small space. He hastily tried to make up for his web of truth-lies. "Um… Me and Takano don't have to love each other. Takano cares about you and I care about you, separately."

"But daddy loves you 'cause he tells you that stuff all the time..." Rei sat with his face buried into the couch pillows. His own breath was making his face hot and sweaty, but he found that he couldn't begin to try to care.

"...I wish we lived together and I wish daddy came home and I wish you didn't look at him like that all that time and I wish you loved us and I wish, I wish, I… I…. you don't love daddy and it hurts and it makes me want to die, Mr. Onodera..."

Onodera dropped his water glass. It crashed to the floor, water spilling everywhere. The water coated dozens of shiny silver shards as thy glinted at them from the floor.

"What?!"

"I wish we were a family," Rei murmured, rocking. "But we can't... You don't want to. What did I do?"

Onodera stared at the broken mess on the floor, standing up and piercing the bottoms of his feet. A big shard cut into his toe. Onodera was frozen in the midst of all this numb chaos.

The door opened. Onodera had left it unlocked because he'd known this would happen. He knew the minute Takano had called that he'd be here tonight, but he figured they'd be arguing over whose house Rei slept in, not this. Takano walked into the apartment.

Takano began to take off his coat, then paused.

Takano took one look at Rei, swinging the spare apartment key around his finger, and said, "What the fuck did you do to my kid?"


	5. 5 AM

Takano picked Rei up from the couch. It was surprising that he brushed Onodera off without a single glance backwards, and without another word he left with Rei like a toddler hanging off his arms. There was nothing that Onodera could have said to fill the cold air. It was an unbreakable haze that stifled sound. It was a thing that shouldn't happen at 5 AM. At this time in the morning, families are still sleeping.

 _W-wait…_

Onodera had been expecting Takano home to do the cooking and the TV time and the bedtime.

story, before Rei was taken back to Takano's apartment for the night. It was their domestic routine. When Takano didn't look at him, however, and when Takano walked inside with the door open and his coat still on, Onodera opened his mouth.

 _W-wait…._

Onodera wasn't ready for this sort of tragedy.

Takano picked Rei up. When Rei was safely clinging hard to him, Takano turned around and knelt down. The hem of his soft grey turtleneck hung loose and he was way too close to Onodera, but they were cold. It wasn't the accidental closeness between couples, it was that Takano had leaned down too far and Onodera was too embarrassed to move. There were no sparks. Only awkwardness.

"This one's his, right?" Takano said. Onodera nodded silently. So Takano handed Rei his book and left.

Onodera checked, but Rei wasn't look at him either. He and Takano were supposed to have a good time before Rei was taken home, like a family.

Takano did look back when he was at the door. Onodera could have said something then, when the door creaked loudly under the weight of Takano's hand on the knob and as Takano was looking at him like that. It was like a hand extended for a second chance. Rei looked at him too. It was almost like before.

Onodera was about to lose his family. There was a couple of parents of his, a couple hours from here, safely distanced. They were smiles. They didn't know what he did at 5 AM. He, Takano and Rei could go back to how they were before. It would be perfect and that's all he wanted.

"W-wait," was the word that didn't actually make it out of his mouth.

Instead he stared, his shoulders slumping. Takano made a little grunting sound. Takano knew all about fear. He was terribly afraid of failing this boy. He was terribly afraid of hurting everyone again. He understood Onodera to the very core, but this emptiness in the air and hollowness in Onodera's eyes made him angry. He was the one trying and Onodera wasn't.

"What the fuck…." In rage, Takano slammed the door, second chances damned.

He knew it. He just _knew_ he would send this kid down a hill, bruised up and crying like he'd been as a kid, and it was all Onodera's _fucking_ fault. Takano helped Rei into his own apartment. He set him down on the couch, where Rei slid off reluctantly. He looked, with his almond-shaped brown eyes, at the door. He pointed at it, his thin, bony fingers trembling, and then curled up on the couch with the book in his hands.

Takano looked down at him. Flash from the past indeed.

It was weird, looking at a miniature version of oneself and being reminded of one's past mistakes. He had hurt everyone he cared about back when he'd had the softness in his cheeks, like Rei, and those eyes and that hair.

He'd hurt Onodera back then, when he had that look on his face.

He knew how it was to hurt somebody. What was this kid doing to them? No… what were they doing to this kid?

Suddenly, Rei's expressionless face twisted up. It was the same brows-down, blushing frown Takano knew from Onodera; Rei's face was alive. He didn't look like little Saga anymore. His pale cheeks were lit up with color.

"…..?"

Takano blinked. "What?" he asked as if talking to a pet. "What do you want?"

"… ….. . …? .. … … _die- sho- boo….?"_

Pointing insistently at the door, Rei was speaking, but his words were jumbled and foreign. Takano swore. Rei was an American adoptee and didn't know Japanese. The only bilingual one between them was Onodera, and Onodera was too scared to come over. Perhaps, it was for the best.

Rei loved Takano, but he knew their relationship. They couldn't communicate with each other. They didn't even speak the same language. They looked away from each other and the static silence between them.

So what if Takano failed as a parent, just like his mother had? He knew from the moment of adoption that he would. This, like his and Onodera's relationship, was hopeless. This was one of those failed projects begun at midnight in haste for a grade, but abandoned an hour later because a 0 is better than a 50. He would bring the kid back in the morning.

* * *

And there Onodera was.

It was 5:59 AM. His fist had been hovering over Takano's front door for half an hour. His fingers relaxed, and his nails traced the wood grain gently. He wasn't a strong person. He couldn't carry children to their homes late at night like Takano could; he wasn't a father.

He rested his forehead on the wood grain.

"… w-wait."

He fingered the doorknob absently, his eyes shadowed. Wait, you're child is mine, too. Wait, there's a family we can start together. Wait, I am aware that you need me to raise him, and I know how afraid you are and why, and I want you to wait for me to catch up to you.

Wait, my legs are tired of running. You left, and I caught up to you.

He knocked.


	6. 6 AM

In the end, Onodera went home late, abandoning Takano's chipped apartment door. He dragged himself away from it and locked himself in his dark apartment, all of which was just like him. And it wasn't surprising that the foyer was short a pair of small brown Velcro shoes. He turned away from the emptiness quickly. The book towers had toppled in his absence. In the rush that shouldn't have happened in the dead hours of the barely-lit morning, they'd fallen. He should have been sleeping in his room and Rei should have been sleeping on the couch. A copy of Usami Akihiko's _The Box That Housed The Moon_ had slid across the floor and stopped next to the empty photo albums, the ones Onodera had shoved in the corner. The ones grandmas got for new mothers, the ones his mother had gotten him to start off a new family with, should he start one, but he didn't want to. They were all empty. Onodera hadn't ever used them. He hadn't had a reason to. But with the pink trim on the side, here, and the plastic little ridges, here, right there, they would be so pretty to fill. He sat down in the corner, pulled one in his lap, and opened it.

He should take responsibility for these albums of emptiness. Poor Onodera. He didn't want to.

"Poor me…."

Onodera's brow ruffled. Poor Takano grumbling restlessly on the couch with a kid he couldn't communicate with. Poor Rei taking up space he didn't think he was allowed. Maybe pictures of that would go well here, right there.

"I absolutely have to get up and do something productive," sighed Onodera. "This is completely ridiculous. I'm better than this."

He decided to clean his apartment. No, not just clean it- scrub it. Bleach it. Tomorrow would be the same as every other day before Takano and every other day before Rei. He'd move on. He had to. He wasn't ready. This was for the best. It wasn't his fault. Nobody had told him that being a father would be so hard.

He'd promised, right? To be a father. But that wasn't what he'd meant- he was allowed to pull out.

But halfway to getting the cleaning supplies, which were in the closet across the kitchen, Onodera sunk down to his knees with a heavy ache pulling his heart down. He could feel something poison, heavy and dark coming from not just his heart but the ones in the neighboring apartment, something like heartbreak but worse. Like a stab in the back. He couldn't take this feeling. It was what emptiness felt like.

And tomorrow felt so empty.

Those were _adoption papers_ in Takano's hand, and that morning he was boarding the elevator at the end of the floor. Rei's scuffy brown suitcase was in Rei's little hand, but Onodera couldn't see the little boy's face. He was staring at the elevator's far wall as Takano turned to press buttons.

"Takano!"

As the elevator dinged, Takano looked up. Several terrible things happened at once. Rei looked up with the newfound hope face; Rei and Onodera made eye contact and they smiled at each other; Takano put his hand on Rei's shoulder and squeezed; Rei looked down meekly. Stonily and warningly, Takano glared at Onodera.

"Aren't we gonna say goodbye to Mr. Onodera?" Rei asked.

"What?"

Rei mumbled something that was half comprehensible Japanese and half of a slurred, sad attempt, and pointed at Onodera.

"Oh, him. Mr. Onodera made his decision," was Takano's grunted, short reply, as he turned away and jabbed the elevator button down.

What had Onodera done? No matter what he'd done, in the past Takano always came back to him. Crawling, desperate. Forceful because he was painfully aware of his inability to move on. Now, he was walking calmly away, as if Onodera meant nothing to him. Onodera was so confused; the elevator doors closing sent scared jolts through his chest.

"No, wait! I changed my mind!"

Takano's hand flew out to hold the elevator open. Onodera hurried to catch up to them. He was lucky he'd woken up when he had, and that he'd caught Takano heading out. He was lucky for making eye contact. He was lucky, so lucky. He was lucky that he'd changed his mind in the first place. He was lucky he wasn't running away.

But there was that unlucky look in Takano's narrowed eyes.

When Onodera got close, he slowed down. This was hopeful. Takano shook his head and muttered, "This is bullshit." He took his hand away and the doors started sliding shut again.

"Wait, what are you doing? I'm trying to talk to you!"

Takano's foot shot out to abruptly stop the elevator doors once again. Something was off. Takano was usually begging for Onodera to talk to him. This is what he wanted, right? He thought he was giving him what he wanted. Truthful words. Like a confession, even if it wasn't the confession Takano had in mind. Besides, this little family had been Takano's idea. He should have caved the minute Onodera had called his name.

But this was different. Off.

Takano leaned halfway out, past the doors. "Oh, so you changed your mind, you say. After I drop Rei back off, I'm going to Yokozawa's. I'll leave you alone. You never have to confess your feelings to me. And Rei will have no parents. You'll never be bothered again. It's your fucking dream, isn't it? You should be thanking me, you know."

"Exactly what are you talking about?"

"You've said things before and gone back on your word. Remember when we dated in high school? That was all a fucking joke to you. Even if you do confess- to anything- to me or to Rei, you're known for kicking people in the head and leaving."

It made sense. Onodera gaped. So this was what this was about. The cold in his eyes- emptiness. Remembering ten years of emptiness.

Wanting attention, Rei pulled on Takano's sweater. But when Takano impatiently smacked his hand away, Rei blinked. His hand fell. His fingers curled up and toward his chest. Onodera glanced at him and that young face filled with hurt. Takano was hurting in a similar way, an innocent, raw way. He was leaving Onodera, escaping into an elevator, going back to a normal life. This was Saga. It was the hurt of emptiness; Takano was committing to it. As if it would hurt less. And he'd never be coming back.

What to do?

"I used to be like that, Takano, but…." Onodera touched his lips, grasping at words. This was the endgame. He had seconds. "Look, can I just ride with you and Rei? Please?"

Takano eyed him skeptically. "Like you're actually going to talk."

"I'll talk!"

Takano drew back, his eyes darker, his frown deeper. It hadn't worked. "I'm sorry, but I really have to go."

Quickly, Onodera rushed forward and slipped past the closing doors into the elevator, feeling the danger and the snapping of the elevator doors. They shut behind him and the three of them were going down. They must be staring at him. Immediately, Onodera turned to Takano and opened his mouth. From the far cold corner, Rei was staring.

Takano interrupted him. "The fuck was that?!"

Onodera backed up to hold the support bars as the elevator started moving. "I told you I would talk! So let me talk! I'm not as good with words as you are, Takano, and I hate talking about these sorts of things, and I'm not even sure what I want. I've never been sure of what I want except when we were kids and I confessed to you. I know, from that experience actually, that running away isn't the answer. That's what you're doing. You won't make anyone happy. Not me, not you, not Rei." He gave Takano a hard look.

Takano shot it right back at him. "Are you fucking serious?"

Onodera blinked and turned away, his argument tailing and crumpling.

"Are you aware that you're the fucking prince of running away?"

"I know…. But I won't do that anymore."

"I can't deal with this…." Takano muttered.

"Isn't that what you've been wanting to hear since I started working for you?"

"Yeah, yeah, but... How can I trust you after all you've put us through, Onodera? Are you telling the truth, or are you going to run off to England again, or America or wherever, and disappear for another ten years?"

Rei blinked. "Mr. Onodera did what?" he blurted.

"No, no, it's not what you think, Rei," hastened Onodera. "I'm not doing that again, I'll stick with you guys, I'll be as open as I can, I promise! Just don't leave!"

The elevator dinged and the doors started to slid open. Onodera whipped around the second he heard the chime, pounding on the button taking them to the top floor. Nobody was in the lobby waiting to get on. Luckily. This was lucky. Onodera was very, very lucky- must be fate. He was lucky that when he turned back, Takano was still looking at him. Attentive. His eyes were still dark but they'd lightened. Onodera could do this.

"I'll stick with you. I promise. Please. I promise. I'm not lying. I'm scared, yes- I'm terrified out of my mind. Starting a family is terrifying and something I'm not ready for. But I came back after last night, didn't I?"

"What's your point?" said Takano.

"I'm saying, I could have gone away and I didn't and I'm telling you I want to…."

"Want to do what?"

This was one of Takano's tests. Onodera felt his stomach drop, and it wasn't just the way the elevator was rising at such a seemingly fast, blinding rate. Takano was staring. He knew.

"To keep being in you and Rei's lives."

"And why would you want to do that?"

"Because I care very much about both you and Rei. I mean that. I…." He could say more. But he didn't. Everything else would be repetition.

That was when Rei broke out of his frozen state and hugged Onodera around the waist. The adoption papers in Takano's hands crumpled between his fingers. Takano and Rei's breathing hitched at the same time. They'd been made a promise. Onodera smiled sheepishly. This had happened, it was terrifying. Rei had accepted him after the emptiness last night. He would survive.

"You said it," said Takano. He didn't sound impressed, happy, or sad, or anything. Not even pissed and distrustful. "I didn't know you had it in you."

"Shut up."

The elevator shuddered to a stop. The doors opened; Takano pushed the button to their floor, and the doors folded shut again obediently, and Takano was left staring at Onodera: the man holding his adopted child. He'd told the truth. He wouldn't be leaving. They were adults now, weren't they? They were parents.

"I know I was an idiot when I was a kid," said Onodera quietly. "But I'm really better now. …do you believe me?"

"Yeah."

Takano wouldn't satisfy Onodera with any more confirmation, but Onodera shrugged it off.

When the elevator stopped the third time, Onodera and Takano began again. They started with a kiss. Then they led Rei to Onodera's apartment, shut the door, and did reading time, hellos, tutoring, cooking, the things families do.

Onodera even took a picture. And those photo albums were put to use.

This was what a family looked like.


End file.
